1. It's my youngest, most precious, most attitudinal sister's birthday. Or at least it WAS when I started writing. She is officially 6. We have been celebrating all day, although technically she was not born until 8:25 p.m., so why the heck did we start so early? What if we celebrated birthdays down to the minute? I mean, It almost makes no sense to be born at 11:59 p.m., yet celebrate that entire day. You should just celebrate from 11:59 p.m. to 11:59 p.m. Agreed? No? Whatever. Moving on...
2. We had a soccer game today, and while we have become quite the mediocre team, we pulled off the victory. There's more to the story, but if I revisit it I'll have to tell yall how some crazy parent from the other team upset me to the point that I yelled expletives. They were supposed to be stated internally, but when you get so accustomed to speaking your mind freely, sometimes you speak it too freely.
3. It's that Saturday/Sunday of daylight savings time...I get to sleep for an extra hour!! How often does that happen? Now that I think about it, I guess once a year.
Ok, enough about today...I's gonna get sleepy if I digress too frequently.
Ok, can I talk some **** now? Because that's obviously all I came to do.
Dear Board of Education.....we are too. Get it? Nevermind. So it's been 10 weeks, and I'd just like to say that they have been absolutely miserable lol. These kids, along with their torturous regime, are overextending my quotient of niceness. Once I have reached my pinnacle, children will pay. Legally, I'm not allowed to tell you how. Incidently, there are a lot of red squiggly lines on my computer screen. Why don't they recognize my dang words?! There I go again.
Let me start by telling yall about teachers. They routinely engage in pissing contests, unnecessarily.--I believe this to be the result of being overworked and underpaid. I was sitting around thinking, and I priced myself, and my worth as a very average teacher, at $76,549...and 2 cents. How did I come up with this? I am fostering and providing daycare, for one. For two, I manage anywhere from 15-35 people on a given day, which is a step down from my 22-90 scale from last year. For three, what the hell is a weekend? And why do people still contend that teachers have it easy because they "get off" at 3:15, or whatever time? You fulla chit.--Oh yeah, the pissing contests. Most teachers really annoy me with their unrealistic expectations and warped views of the things that they accomplish. We all wanna make it appear that we are in complete control, academically and in terms of keeping people in line. "*Insert bad nigga's name here* never gets outta line in my class because he knows what it is." :-/ You lie like a dead dog. You know he is just as off the chain in your class as he is in the hallway, as he is at his own house, as he is in the choir stand on Sunday. And frankly, I don't really give a dang what you think you do that is so much better or so much different than anybody else. If you're that good at controlling kids, take mine too. I have no problem telling you that little Griffin gets on my nerves, or that it bothers me that Cuervo just doesn't seem very motivated. Does that make me a bad teacher? Probably by somebody's standards. Fortunately for them, I thought it before they thought it. I don't need a piece of paper or outside opinion to tell me how inept I am.
Ok so I'm gonna introduce a new character. Hell be known as nothing special. I forgot to capitalize the name...first name: Nothing, last name: Special. I did not forget the apostrophe in he'll. This arse, Nothing, is extremely frustrating because there is honestly nothing that should keep him from performing on at least a semi-normal level. I mean, he performs well in old woman Gobment's class, and he also performs reasonably well in my Reading class. It's the Writing component that makes him suck at life, or at least my class. Nothing doesn't give a fat rat if you stand right over his undersized, taco meat-covered head. He aint gonna write anything on his paper because he really just doesn't feel like it. Notice that I have yet to say that he can't, only that he won't. He's probably too busy trying to get milk from his old arse grandmother's old arse titties. Is that a socially acceptable term? Eh...I don't really care. I stood right there with my teammates, as we chastised him for his poor work ethic; I'm sorry, "poor" when would referring to his work ethic would be an overstatement. Let me not insult that adjective. His work ethic is more like my friend, her name is Shitay. Grandma coddled him the entire time, protecting his ears and eyes with the warm embrace of her sagging bosom. He really only comes up to her waist, yet his head was in the middle of her boobs. Go figure. Enough about this niggra. His mama came up to our school to confer with us in her jeggings...really? I just got another dang squiggly line! She wearing clothes that the computer don't even recognize as real words...for conferences. Enough said.
I know I'm usually talking about my less than esteemed colleague, Gobment, she of the buffet of names. I mean, she does have more names than a Jay-Z party guest list, but that's not the point. She's also old as Methuselah. That's really not the point either. The point is that none of this is really about her and I just wanted an excuse to talk about her old arse. This is really about my other colleague, or officially former colleague, Stretch. She has been with us for the better part of 10 weeks, but it is now time for her to move on so that she can become a teacher of record, for students to speak only English.
There really isn't a lot I can say to do justice to her freakishly grand height. All I can tell you is that the students really looked up to her, literally. I bet she always puts the star on the tree, unless that's too far for her to bend down. She is basically that one letter at the beginning of a story that looks like this:
once upon a time...
Obviously, she is the "o". She is also incompetent. She always needed somethin. I was like dang, can I live?! Have you ever tried to teach a teacher? Isn't that ironic or redundant or somethin? It just does't sound right. It's like taking out a wallet to buy a new wallet, or taking a picture of a camera, or being absent when you're receiving a perfect attendance award. Like what? Well this has been my life for 10 weeks. I know I have done my best to build her tolerance of bs. Anybody that listens to my teachings is dooooomed to begin with. In the mean time, I tried to sneak some jokes by her, but let's be real, nothing ever goes over her head. Not even wayward satellites. I mean I felt like "Nothing" with his grandma when she gave me a hug among her departure. She was droppin tears on top of my head and everything. But it wasn't awkward at all. It's not everyday that you get an opportunity to be Big Tex's replacement, so we had to let her go. I'm kidding. I mean she could replace big text, but then low flying planes would be in danger, plus her braids are flammable.
So this is my farewell to you, Stretch. I wish you well on all future endeavors. Sure, there won't be a Beloved there, but I still exist. You can always call or text. I won't answer, but you can do it anyways.
Ok, that's all for now. I've two more really interesting characters to introduce, but they are so awful that I have no idea how to put into words just how awful. Stay tuned.
Be-to the-Loved
